Treadmills

After my 3 hour drive to Missoula, Mt tonight I got to my hotel room and decided it may be a good idea to go for a jog in order to loose the ol' love handles (since they are not being loved or handled by anyone lately). The mirror in my hotel confirmed the fact that this may be a good idea, so I decided to hit up the treadmill.

I hate treadmills. I also hate it when people pronounce it "tread meal" typically the people that pronounce it this way are not frequent users of treadmills due to the fact that they subconsciously have incorporated the word "meal" into something that does the opposite of what a meal does, by removing fat from your body. It is easy to avoid these people at the gym, as they never work out at "Ate O' Clock" or "Chew Thirty"

The following formula best describes my workout this evening:

Danny + Operating Treadmill = Skin burned from my ankle.

More reasons I hate treadmills:

• I ran for 15 minutes and physically moved forward about 1 inch.
• It is worthless unless I am planning to participate in a race down a steep hill in which the sole purpose is to just keep up with the ground in order not to fall.
• By the time you trip and fall and the red emergency clip is pulled from the machine you have already lost all leg hair, .3 lbs. of skin, and all dignity.
• When I run outside there aren't mirrors to remind me that I look like a 70 yr. old man chasing after his stolen Rascal Scooter.
• My shins just exploded and ruined my new pair of Argyle socks.

In my opinion only one good thing has come from the invention of the treadmill...and here it is:

The Ballad of Casey Franklin

I decided to write a blog about mi amigo Casey Franklin. For those of you who don't habla espanol "mi amigo" is spanish for "my amigo." Casey is the first follower of my blog and I told him that I would write a blog about him earlier this year.


Casey works as a wildlife biologist on commercial fishing boats in the Bering Sea of Alaska. Yeah ladies thats right, he loves animals, he has more hair on his face than I have on my entire body, and FYI the average salary of wildlife biologists in Alaska is 140k (in Alaskan dollars).


I met Casey when we played little league baseball for the North Park Cardinals back in 5th grade. Casey was by far our best player and by player I mean he knew how to work the ladies in the crowd. He was a catcher, and I'm pretty sure he specifically requested that position in order to give a visual present each pitch to the ladies behind the backstop.


I lost touch with Casey during high school, but we reaquainted late one summer night in 1999. I fell asleep at the orphanage I volunteer at while watching a Doogie Howser marathon, and I accidentally left the top ramen cooking on the oven. I awoke to flames, screams and Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) coming out of the closet (not figuratively...he was one of the orphans and he slept in the closet.) I started to panic but then I looked up and saw this image which will forever be etched in my mind.

This "savior" dragged each and every one of the orphans along with myself out of the building one by one until we were all safe. I said "Thank you so much Mr. Firefighter Sir!" and Casey revealed his glorious face from under his helmet and said "I'm not a firefighter, I just keep the equipment in the back of my Range Rover...and...you're welcome."

Casey and I immediately proceeded to one of my friends weddings in which Casey introduced me to his 4 dates. We danced all night long we caught up on old times and I bought him an alcoholic beverage for saving my life.

(Brandon Pyle, Me, and Casey)

In conclusion Casey Franklin is an amazing human being. And if I'm not mistaken he is single. He will be returning from Alaska periodically this year. Any and all ladies interested need to apply online on his blog: http://caseyfranklin.blogspot.com You may also want to prepare for your interview by researching Casey further, and corresponding with him frequently because it can be lonely out there on the Bering Sea.

*Disclaimer- Roughly 18% of this story is true...Facts: Casey is awesome.

Groundhog Week

The following story is entirely false, the pictures are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Basically I took a bunch of pictures this week and wanted to show them to you, but that is boring, so I created the following fable).

Monday was Groundhog Day. A great day, but a better movie. During my travels I stumbled upon Terrance the Groundhog. Terrance looks suspiciously like a prarie dog, but he will have to work for the purposes of this story. Anyone who complains about the species of Terrance will be punched in the neck.

Terrance, (pictured above) came out of his hole on Monday to determine whether or not he could see his shadow. At first Terrance did not see his shadow and was about to condemn the Northwest to more horrific weather. But upon further inspection Terrance saw a shadow, the shadow was moving across the ground towards T-bone (Terrance) at an incredible rate. T-bone was overjoyed by seeing the shadow because he is planning a spring break trip in Cabo with some fellow lady rodents. His little heart started beating faster with excitement until it was pierced by the talons of Wilson the Bald Eagle.

Wilson had just returned from a trip to the U.S. Treasury Department in which he just signed a HUGE new endorsement with the Government who apparently plans to put his picture on 900 billion U.S. dollars that will be distributed to irresponsible financial institutions across the country. After the long trip Wilson was hungry and decided to bring some food home to the nest.

When Wilson arrived home, he realized that someone had been sleeping in his nest and suspected the notorious Goldilocks who had been accused of this weeks earlier. Wilson immediately dialed Gary the Grizzly bear who dealt with Goldilocks back in '02 and just so happens to be on Wilsons T-Mobile Fave 5, along with Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade.

Gary picked up a blackberry and ate it (because Gary enjoys eating berrys of the black variety)...then he picked up his Blackberry mobile device and plotted the heinus murder of Goldilocks who apparently is quite permiscuous and keeps sleeping around in peoples beds. They decided to chain her to the train tracks down the road and let the humans deal with her.

The story ends here. Gary and Wilson have remained close friends and play in a weekly bowling league, Goldilocks doesn't exist anymore...not because she got ran over by a train, but because she never did (it was just a stupid story that our kindergarden teachers told us to make us afraid of bears and sleeping around), and it looks like we are going to have 6 more weeks of winter because Terrance the Groundhog is having a real hard time seeing his shadow inside of Wilson's stomach.

Blessing in Disguise

Today I went out to take pictures of life...the wild variety. I got a bit overzealous and tried to drive up a mountain that has not been visited by a vehicle since I kissed a girl (decades). I proceeded to get my 4runner stuck deep in the snow, after about an hour of shoveling myself out I decided to read my car manual to deactivate the traction control on my car so I could get out.

I realized that this was the first time I have read my car manual, and upon my emergency browsing session I found out that my car has a built in car alarm that I was unaware of. This pleased me for 2 reasons:

A) I can feel confident that the bars of gold I keep in my glove box will be safe at night.
B) I am now getting cheaper car insurance because my vehicle has a newly discovered anti-theft device!

I eventually got "unstuck" and continued my Sunday photo session. I also realized how fortunate my driving mishap was because I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by reading my manual (not switching to Geico).

Barns...Really?

If you were to ask..."Danny, what did you do this Sunday?" I would probably upset you by the high concentration of "nerdery" that existed in my life yesterday. I did not hang out with a single human being that I knew personally...unless you count the girl at the McDonald's drive through window who's voice I might date. Instead, my life consisted of going out with my new camera and taking pictures.

If you were to then say "Danny, taking pictures isn't that nerdy?" You would be right...kind of. If I went out and took pictures of Saber Toothed Tigers, and people engaged in Swordfights, then it may be acceptable. I however, did not accomplish this task. I went out to take pictures of Barns...yup...Barns...deal with it. Barns may not interest you, or the other 99.8% of this universe, but I personally (along with numerous horses I spoke with today) think they are cool. So here are the pics from today, I hope to go out and take pictures of more interesting things soon, but for now this will have to do.

Hope I made you feel better about your life.

Cougars

Cougar (As defined by the Dictionary): A large, powerful cat, Felis concolor, of North and South America: now greatly reduced in number and endangered in some areas.

Cougar (as defined by our ridiculous society): An old, powerful woman, Femalis cradlerobber, of Los Angeles, New York, and or Las Vegas: now greatly increased in number due to stupid shows like Desperate Housewives, and people like Demi Moore.

In my travels today I was lucky enough to have located both of these "cougar" species in the state of Montana. The specimens although well preserved had both been hit by a car within the past 24 hours, this is more visible on the picture of the woman.

North American Cougar/Mountain Lion:

North American Cougar/Creeper


The above photo of "Societies Cougar" is somewhat innaccurate because this poor creature has been hit by a vehicle going at least 80mph.

For the record: In no way am I trying to make light of the fact that an actual cougar is dead because of a vehicle, and I apologize to anyone who I may have offended (you know who you are).

I saw this cougar today, and had to see what one looked like up close, and I was stunned by its size, and beauty. I was strictly trying to speak to the ridiculous fact that cougars no longer refer to the powerful, and beautiful animal that I drove past today on the side of the road. And also to point out that Barbara "wa wa" Walters is Creepy.

Chasing Tail

The four hour drive from Great Falls, MT to Kalispell, MT is one of my favorite drives. I frequently feel like I am in a car commercial on this highway due to the winding curved roads, scenic views, camera crew filming me, John "Cougar" Mellencamp's "This is our country" blasting on the radio (truly the most overplayed and annoying song on television) and the weird asian guy from the Mazda commercials waving at me at each mile marker.

Those of you with eyeballs may have noticed that it has snowed a ridicuolous amount this year. This snow has created a wall on the sides of many of Montana's Highways. This wall of snow has also created an inescapable corridor for wildlife, and in turn a very fun game that I like to call "Chasing Tail."

Now the term "Chasing Tail" often refers to a male who is on a conquest to become physically involved with a woman in an episode of heavy petting and various other unattainable goals. In Montana, and my life in general, no such game exists. Instead I choose to cruise this highway in search of a hopeless animal that is afraid of Black 4Runners.

I was victorious this past Wednesday night in finding a 2 year old female mule deer trapped in the white corridor of entertainment. I slowed down in order not to hit the deer and end the entertainment prematurely...and because I have a deep rooted love for wildlife, beauty, the movie the notebook, and furry animals...(ladies?)

She (Bambi) and I made eye contact, then her ears went straight up, and she licked one of her nostrils which in deer language directly translates to "Chasing Tail....Game on." She started sprinting. I gave her a bit of a head start because I had to put on my helmet, racing gloves, and fire retardant suit. I chased her for about a quarter mile before she threw on the brakes and gave me the Mighty Duck "Triple Deke." But I snapped a picture of her as I raced past her at well over 100 mph. Pretty good for leaning out the passenger side window and trying not to crash.