New Moon!!!

For those of you who got excited because you thought this blog is about the new movie featuring werewolves and love stories (anyone without man parts) I apologize, because this blog is not about that.

This is in fact about the actual "new moon" lunar phase.

According to "real life" and the dictionary the definition of a new moon is: The moon either within conjuction with the sun or soon after, being either invisible or visible only as a slender crescent. (see below)

According to "tweens" and every girl on the planet the definition of "New Moon" is: OMG!!! Only like the best movie ever!!!! LOL, Those werewolves are sooooooo HOTT!!! (see below)



The guy pictured in above photo is either one of the worlds largest toolboxes, or an extremely wise ladies man trying to capitalize on the favorable girl/guy ratio at such gatherings. Judging by his face, I vote toolbox.


I frequently take pictures of the moon, because I think it is a pretty amazing thing, also because I have no life, and struggle to find real life women that want to spend more than 12 seconds in a row with me. This is a picture of an almost full moon that I took last winter.

Not too shabby for an amateur. A full moon and a new moon are fairly similar, except they differ by roughly 100%. A new moon essentially is when the moon is completely covered by a shadow. Here is a picture of a new moon.
Notice the lack of detail, colors, texture, and moon in this picture. In regards to entertainment:

Me outside watching a new moon = Stevie Wonder in a theater watching a silent movie...not entertaining. Sooooooo I guess "New Moon" is the perfect title for this movie.

However, if you do want to capitalize on the Girl/Guy ratio that will present itself in the movie theater in hopes of attaining a heavy petting session, or providing a shoulder to cry on while exploring anatomy with your hands...I wish you the best of luck.

Thats all I got.

P.S. Dear (Beautiful) ladies that are reading this, I actually love the Twilight series...I also love pupppies, the Notebook, and Snuggling while watching Gilmore Girls. Feel free to contact me and arrange a Twister party...while we listen to Colbie Caillat of course.

Snuggling vs. Cuddling

Snuggling vs. Cuddling

Probably the manliest topic in the history of topics. I felt inclined to address these 2 verbs, and eliminate any confusion. Apparently there are a few differences as well as similarities between these two spectacular activities.

According to dictionary.com here are the definitions of Snuggling and Cuddling, respectively:

Snuggle- to lie or press closely, as for comfort or from affection; nestle. (that sounds nice)

Cuddle- to hold close in an affectionate manner; hug tenderly; FONDLE.

These two definitions seem relatively similar until you hit the land mine at the end of the definition of Cuddling…Fondle!? Oh dear. All this time I had thought I had been executing the art of cuddling, but fondling is typically not involved in my life…by “typically not involved”, I mean never(ish).

Furthermore, America has become more accustomed to Snuggling, due to the recent creation of the “Snuggie” a friend recently told me that Snuggies, are in fact “not snuggly.” Regardless of the Snuggie compromising the integrity of the word, I am still partial to Snuggling instead of Cuddling. When I was little my great grandma gave me a teddybear with multicolored paws, and I named him “Snuggles” because he was, in fact, “Snuggly” and also because the white teddy bear from the fabric softener commercials was named Snuggles.

Now that I have completely diminished any sense of manhood that I had built up in the past 26 years, I ask you to contemplate whether or not you are a Snuggler or a Cuddler. And if you are a cute girl who needs to conduct more research on the issue in some real life situations, feel free to get a hold of me…I’m only here to help.

Random Thoughts III

Well, I came to the Service Station to do work, but I apparently suck at remembering passwords, so I can’t try to log in again for another 15 minutes, cause I entered the wrong password about 14 times, so I thought I would write down some random thoughts that have been throwing a party in my brain lately.

-I was in a hotel last week, and I HATE when TV’s don’t have a sleep timer…but more baffling than that is the fact that some TV’s actually have sleep timers that go up to 4 hours. Q: When would you need this? A: At the beginning of an 8 episode Nikelodeon GUTS marathon…Gotta get me some Agrocrag.

- I think life would be much more entertaining if cars were invisible. You would just see people floating around at incredible rates of speed in the sitting position…the bad news being you would have to wear pants at all times.

- In medicine commercials the “micro machine” fast talker that lists all the side effects must be a huge pessimist in real life.

- Why do they call it the Birds and the Bees…that makes no sense…am I a bird or a bee? Shouldn’t it be the Birds and the Birds, or how bout this…the girls and the boys. As if the sex talk isn’t confusing enough, why throw animal analogies into it. I think I’m still stuck on the Bird/Bee thing, hence me not having offspring.

- What actual color is the month of October?? I have heard of people hunting the Red version of October, and apparently there is a Blue variety of October which produces sad self loathing songs. I would like to invent Burnt Sienna October…no reason, it was just my favorite Crayola Crayon…lock it up.

-If you are in fact an “Itsy Bitsy” spider, and you are attempting to climb up some sort of spout, and it rains and you get washed down the spout…fear not, because the sun is going to come out and dry up all the rain, at which point you will be able to resume your quest through the great spout. Dear Childhood, Thanks for that worthless song. Sincerely, Danny.

- If we are to agree that “laughter is the best medicine” then technically an Anecdote, could also be considered an Antidote.

Ok…I need to get back to work. Its Friday, and this makes me happy. Hope I induced at least one smile. That’s all I got.

Wedding Rings

This is happening right now because of a disappointing event in my life recently that involved a beautiful girl, and a wedding ring or lack there of. Wedding rings have different meanings to women and men. Women get excited about them, and scream and show them off to their other girlfriends, and scream some more. To a woman, a wedding ring is a sign of love, success and happiness.

To (single) men a wedding ring is not awesome. As a single dude, I have come to the conclusion that I'm getting old, because whenever I see a cute girl, or even a girl with all 4 limbs, and at least 85% of their fingers and toes I look to see if they have a wedding/engagement ring. A wedding ring tells you that you are too late.

Rings don't just say "I'm not available" they really torture the brain. Upon confirmation of a ring, the initial feeling of "of course she's married, why wouldn't she be" sets in. But it doesn't stop there. You glance at the ring again and encounter one of two scenarios:

1) The ring is the size of a small child, and that very small child starts laughing at you saying "Ha Ha! even if she didn't have this ring, there is noooo way you could afford this classy lady, get a real job."

or...

2) The ring is so small that you almost wonder if its a promise ring from her father reminding her to stay pure...(It is never a promise ring). After you chuckle to yourself about how small the ring is, you realize that the gent who gave this girl such a small ring, must have the single greatest personality/kissing skills in the universe. This again causes you to realize that you never had a shot.

The reason for this rant stems from me actually meeting an unbelievably beautiful/smart/funny...etc. girl in Montana recently. I did the ring check, and was victorious when my eyeballs reported back that her ring finger was vacant. At this point my brain and heart threw a small party similar to that of the Y2K new years celebration. Too good to be true!...exactly. 45 minutes later I asked one of her coworkers about her, and weasled my way into finding out if she was dating anyone. "Oh yeah, she's married" (Internal Y2K party over).

Ladies. If you are married, Congratulations! I'm happy for you...but please, wear that ring proudly to both honor your hubby, and to prevent any unneccesary expenses that single men may accrue due to planning and throwing and internal party of celebration, that will burn down.

Ok, thats all I got for now...Man she was great.

Stormchasing

The other night I was on my way to work out, and then I saw some lightning, and decided to turn around and get my storm chase on. This may also explain why I am not in good shape. I tend to find non legitimate reasons to not go work out. For example "I can't...I just saw lightning"..."I can't there is a show on PBS I've been waiting for." "I can't because I'm busy blogging about how I never work out." Anyway, here are some pictures from my innaugural storm chasing evening. Enjoy.

This one is my fave. I was driving with my camera on the dashboard using an 8 second shutter speed, and there was a lightning bolt that lit up the sky ahead of me. Kind of a cool effect.
This one is similar to the one before, except no lightning, I was driving under some trees that were hanging ver the road, and it made it look like i was driving through a tunnel. Its the little things in life that make me happy.

If they Mated

I can't sleep, and usually when I can't sleep I watch Conan O' Brien one of the funniest humans alive (fact). He used to do a segment on his show titled "If they Mated" and he would take 2 celebrity photos and combine them to show what their offspring would look like. Since I cannot sleep and I love Conan, I thought I would give it a shot on my own for fun. Chris Brown, and Rihanna have been in the news alot lately. Supposively there has been some domestic abuse going on, but personally I think that they get a little crazy in the bedroom. This is a tribute to them, and this Image hopefully reflects what the human that they have been cooking up will turn out to look like based on state of the art genetic prediction imaging (me taking two pictures and fooling around with them on Photoshop while eating fat free Yoplait Peach Yogurt...yum.)

This is the happy couple before the "incident"
After several hours of "domestic abuse" AKA: Lovin' Here is what will come to fruition in roughly 9 months......

What a beautiful beautiful child...and no this is not the picture of Rihanna released by TMZ after she got abused.
I'm not trying to make light of domestic abuse by any means, I am just really bored, and trying to fall back asleep.

Freelance

Today I was driving home from Bozeman, MT sucking at life, when I saw a huge fire in the town of Whitehall, MT (population 2.4...A couple that is 3 months pregnant). Since I was bored out of my gord, and had my Camera with me I decided to become "Freelance Pecka" Here are some of the pics that I got. And a video with a minor explosion in it.

This next one is my personal favorite. The fire department for this city is all Volunteer, and the poor firefighter who was trying to put out the fire in this pic couldn't get the hose to spray further than about 6 feet. I was almost actually laughing.

Well, that was my life today...sadly I found it tremendously exciting. I also enjoyed a delicous bottle of water on my way home. Here is the nerdy video that I took too...they actually used this on the news in Butte, MT.

Treadmills

After my 3 hour drive to Missoula, Mt tonight I got to my hotel room and decided it may be a good idea to go for a jog in order to loose the ol' love handles (since they are not being loved or handled by anyone lately). The mirror in my hotel confirmed the fact that this may be a good idea, so I decided to hit up the treadmill.

I hate treadmills. I also hate it when people pronounce it "tread meal" typically the people that pronounce it this way are not frequent users of treadmills due to the fact that they subconsciously have incorporated the word "meal" into something that does the opposite of what a meal does, by removing fat from your body. It is easy to avoid these people at the gym, as they never work out at "Ate O' Clock" or "Chew Thirty"

The following formula best describes my workout this evening:

Danny + Operating Treadmill = Skin burned from my ankle.

More reasons I hate treadmills:

• I ran for 15 minutes and physically moved forward about 1 inch.
• It is worthless unless I am planning to participate in a race down a steep hill in which the sole purpose is to just keep up with the ground in order not to fall.
• By the time you trip and fall and the red emergency clip is pulled from the machine you have already lost all leg hair, .3 lbs. of skin, and all dignity.
• When I run outside there aren't mirrors to remind me that I look like a 70 yr. old man chasing after his stolen Rascal Scooter.
• My shins just exploded and ruined my new pair of Argyle socks.

In my opinion only one good thing has come from the invention of the treadmill...and here it is:

The Ballad of Casey Franklin

I decided to write a blog about mi amigo Casey Franklin. For those of you who don't habla espanol "mi amigo" is spanish for "my amigo." Casey is the first follower of my blog and I told him that I would write a blog about him earlier this year.


Casey works as a wildlife biologist on commercial fishing boats in the Bering Sea of Alaska. Yeah ladies thats right, he loves animals, he has more hair on his face than I have on my entire body, and FYI the average salary of wildlife biologists in Alaska is 140k (in Alaskan dollars).


I met Casey when we played little league baseball for the North Park Cardinals back in 5th grade. Casey was by far our best player and by player I mean he knew how to work the ladies in the crowd. He was a catcher, and I'm pretty sure he specifically requested that position in order to give a visual present each pitch to the ladies behind the backstop.


I lost touch with Casey during high school, but we reaquainted late one summer night in 1999. I fell asleep at the orphanage I volunteer at while watching a Doogie Howser marathon, and I accidentally left the top ramen cooking on the oven. I awoke to flames, screams and Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) coming out of the closet (not figuratively...he was one of the orphans and he slept in the closet.) I started to panic but then I looked up and saw this image which will forever be etched in my mind.

This "savior" dragged each and every one of the orphans along with myself out of the building one by one until we were all safe. I said "Thank you so much Mr. Firefighter Sir!" and Casey revealed his glorious face from under his helmet and said "I'm not a firefighter, I just keep the equipment in the back of my Range Rover...and...you're welcome."

Casey and I immediately proceeded to one of my friends weddings in which Casey introduced me to his 4 dates. We danced all night long we caught up on old times and I bought him an alcoholic beverage for saving my life.

(Brandon Pyle, Me, and Casey)

In conclusion Casey Franklin is an amazing human being. And if I'm not mistaken he is single. He will be returning from Alaska periodically this year. Any and all ladies interested need to apply online on his blog: http://caseyfranklin.blogspot.com You may also want to prepare for your interview by researching Casey further, and corresponding with him frequently because it can be lonely out there on the Bering Sea.

*Disclaimer- Roughly 18% of this story is true...Facts: Casey is awesome.

Groundhog Week

The following story is entirely false, the pictures are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Basically I took a bunch of pictures this week and wanted to show them to you, but that is boring, so I created the following fable).

Monday was Groundhog Day. A great day, but a better movie. During my travels I stumbled upon Terrance the Groundhog. Terrance looks suspiciously like a prarie dog, but he will have to work for the purposes of this story. Anyone who complains about the species of Terrance will be punched in the neck.

Terrance, (pictured above) came out of his hole on Monday to determine whether or not he could see his shadow. At first Terrance did not see his shadow and was about to condemn the Northwest to more horrific weather. But upon further inspection Terrance saw a shadow, the shadow was moving across the ground towards T-bone (Terrance) at an incredible rate. T-bone was overjoyed by seeing the shadow because he is planning a spring break trip in Cabo with some fellow lady rodents. His little heart started beating faster with excitement until it was pierced by the talons of Wilson the Bald Eagle.

Wilson had just returned from a trip to the U.S. Treasury Department in which he just signed a HUGE new endorsement with the Government who apparently plans to put his picture on 900 billion U.S. dollars that will be distributed to irresponsible financial institutions across the country. After the long trip Wilson was hungry and decided to bring some food home to the nest.

When Wilson arrived home, he realized that someone had been sleeping in his nest and suspected the notorious Goldilocks who had been accused of this weeks earlier. Wilson immediately dialed Gary the Grizzly bear who dealt with Goldilocks back in '02 and just so happens to be on Wilsons T-Mobile Fave 5, along with Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade.

Gary picked up a blackberry and ate it (because Gary enjoys eating berrys of the black variety)...then he picked up his Blackberry mobile device and plotted the heinus murder of Goldilocks who apparently is quite permiscuous and keeps sleeping around in peoples beds. They decided to chain her to the train tracks down the road and let the humans deal with her.

The story ends here. Gary and Wilson have remained close friends and play in a weekly bowling league, Goldilocks doesn't exist anymore...not because she got ran over by a train, but because she never did (it was just a stupid story that our kindergarden teachers told us to make us afraid of bears and sleeping around), and it looks like we are going to have 6 more weeks of winter because Terrance the Groundhog is having a real hard time seeing his shadow inside of Wilson's stomach.

Blessing in Disguise

Today I went out to take pictures of life...the wild variety. I got a bit overzealous and tried to drive up a mountain that has not been visited by a vehicle since I kissed a girl (decades). I proceeded to get my 4runner stuck deep in the snow, after about an hour of shoveling myself out I decided to read my car manual to deactivate the traction control on my car so I could get out.

I realized that this was the first time I have read my car manual, and upon my emergency browsing session I found out that my car has a built in car alarm that I was unaware of. This pleased me for 2 reasons:

A) I can feel confident that the bars of gold I keep in my glove box will be safe at night.
B) I am now getting cheaper car insurance because my vehicle has a newly discovered anti-theft device!

I eventually got "unstuck" and continued my Sunday photo session. I also realized how fortunate my driving mishap was because I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by reading my manual (not switching to Geico).

Barns...Really?

If you were to ask..."Danny, what did you do this Sunday?" I would probably upset you by the high concentration of "nerdery" that existed in my life yesterday. I did not hang out with a single human being that I knew personally...unless you count the girl at the McDonald's drive through window who's voice I might date. Instead, my life consisted of going out with my new camera and taking pictures.

If you were to then say "Danny, taking pictures isn't that nerdy?" You would be right...kind of. If I went out and took pictures of Saber Toothed Tigers, and people engaged in Swordfights, then it may be acceptable. I however, did not accomplish this task. I went out to take pictures of Barns...yup...Barns...deal with it. Barns may not interest you, or the other 99.8% of this universe, but I personally (along with numerous horses I spoke with today) think they are cool. So here are the pics from today, I hope to go out and take pictures of more interesting things soon, but for now this will have to do.

Hope I made you feel better about your life.

Cougars

Cougar (As defined by the Dictionary): A large, powerful cat, Felis concolor, of North and South America: now greatly reduced in number and endangered in some areas.

Cougar (as defined by our ridiculous society): An old, powerful woman, Femalis cradlerobber, of Los Angeles, New York, and or Las Vegas: now greatly increased in number due to stupid shows like Desperate Housewives, and people like Demi Moore.

In my travels today I was lucky enough to have located both of these "cougar" species in the state of Montana. The specimens although well preserved had both been hit by a car within the past 24 hours, this is more visible on the picture of the woman.

North American Cougar/Mountain Lion:

North American Cougar/Creeper


The above photo of "Societies Cougar" is somewhat innaccurate because this poor creature has been hit by a vehicle going at least 80mph.

For the record: In no way am I trying to make light of the fact that an actual cougar is dead because of a vehicle, and I apologize to anyone who I may have offended (you know who you are).

I saw this cougar today, and had to see what one looked like up close, and I was stunned by its size, and beauty. I was strictly trying to speak to the ridiculous fact that cougars no longer refer to the powerful, and beautiful animal that I drove past today on the side of the road. And also to point out that Barbara "wa wa" Walters is Creepy.

Chasing Tail

The four hour drive from Great Falls, MT to Kalispell, MT is one of my favorite drives. I frequently feel like I am in a car commercial on this highway due to the winding curved roads, scenic views, camera crew filming me, John "Cougar" Mellencamp's "This is our country" blasting on the radio (truly the most overplayed and annoying song on television) and the weird asian guy from the Mazda commercials waving at me at each mile marker.

Those of you with eyeballs may have noticed that it has snowed a ridicuolous amount this year. This snow has created a wall on the sides of many of Montana's Highways. This wall of snow has also created an inescapable corridor for wildlife, and in turn a very fun game that I like to call "Chasing Tail."

Now the term "Chasing Tail" often refers to a male who is on a conquest to become physically involved with a woman in an episode of heavy petting and various other unattainable goals. In Montana, and my life in general, no such game exists. Instead I choose to cruise this highway in search of a hopeless animal that is afraid of Black 4Runners.

I was victorious this past Wednesday night in finding a 2 year old female mule deer trapped in the white corridor of entertainment. I slowed down in order not to hit the deer and end the entertainment prematurely...and because I have a deep rooted love for wildlife, beauty, the movie the notebook, and furry animals...(ladies?)

She (Bambi) and I made eye contact, then her ears went straight up, and she licked one of her nostrils which in deer language directly translates to "Chasing Tail....Game on." She started sprinting. I gave her a bit of a head start because I had to put on my helmet, racing gloves, and fire retardant suit. I chased her for about a quarter mile before she threw on the brakes and gave me the Mighty Duck "Triple Deke." But I snapped a picture of her as I raced past her at well over 100 mph. Pretty good for leaning out the passenger side window and trying not to crash.